weho program titles

dykes and their dogs

lesbian fashion

GAY XXX

unrelatedly, i held a dinosaur poo last night.

i got

a giant plush hamhock for xmas. his publicist calls him 'family size'. i call him hambone. i love.

i per'did in mah pans'

sandy is washing in out. he is master chef. he is proud to have his own per'd - er - his own woman to share a per'd wif.

the end.

i'm the hustler

www.doodydude.com

a christmas miracle

i saw my future puppy.

he was awesome and his owner had lip implants.

we discussed the amazingness of chinese crested hairless.

must have NOW!!!

best xmas quote ever

sookie: YES michael jackson had SEX!

hambone

hambones r gr8

sandy's mom's new name is sookie

the end

servix

my cervix is the nose of gonzo

house de 1980

why do you look cute?

people

need to die. they make me hate them. ugh.

vague ass

1. that heidi chick from that show with the old dude on it has the face of a super grand supreme pageant winner in the 2-4 age group. I could see her using butt glue and a flipper.

i hate lucy

she ate my gum. she sniffed it out of my purse, ripped open the packaging, ungingerly removed several pieces from their snug aluminum insulators, and ate them.

rico suave

now raps for the lord.

it seems as though...

the man in the iron lung was plugged in next to a microwave in prison. so the blacks would unplug him whenever they wanted to warm up their rice and mak a ral.

life decision

to go to the redskins' post game bbq or vh1 reality shows, tostino pizza rolls and slanket. i choose slanket.

let down

shnazaellstar's refusal to be on the hunt for jocelyn wildenstein.

i hate lucy

for not eating my chewed mint gum no matter how much i yell at her to eat it.

i lover her for wanting to eat the burt's bees lemon butter cuticle cream. all ingredients are edible. smart poochie.

sammich

heaven = being the veggiebalogna in a sandy and mr glitters sammich wrap

useless destruction

p needs to lear how to gchat from mobile

p needs to end the useless destruction caused by thoughts of crabapple tips

p gets NO PRETZLE

p learns to blog from mobile.

crab apple tips.

stuff that kraut into your pretzel pipe!

tonight

there will be pretzle
there will be beer
there will be krout

shattered dreams

charo doesn't have a christmas album.

just one glorious single:
¿mamacita — donde esta santa claus?

it's NOT gonna be a very charo xmas after all.

lost and found

if it were in your ass, you'd know.

yes virginia

there IS such a thing as a dumb question.

worlds apart

bow chicka bow wow is intolerable.

brown chicken brown cow is brilliant.

post holiday revelations

definitely anti-in-law worshiping. it gives the elderly fat heads.

i will always win a cheese on cheese bet.

puppy #2 will be named furbekah.

hobo twins?

are they brothers? twins? HOBO TWINS?????

hobo twins?

are they brothers? twins? HOBO TWINS?????

how we stay happy

you cook. i eat.

ass burgers

took the online test. i gots the burgers in my ass. nowonder sandy married me.

My name (pause)

EEEsss JUAN BABARO NOGARIS!


i'm on the internet. look it up.

How we stay happy

I'ma tell you what to buy. You gon' buy it.

quandry on birthdays

if one's friends are vacatioing with friends for their birthdays, does one, as friend, purchase presents for friends? if so, what presents does one purchase?

sandy farts

and then ponders about his earlier consumed apple cider concoction "is this what you get when you try to bring a little holiday spirit into the house?"

rage

mood: mad at lucy

scenario: lucy sniffs around the couch ottomon like a maddness has overcome her. as though her most exciting moment in life is about to occur. she noses the ottomon all the way across the room, covering it with dognose droole. I, being her looker-afterer, go to the ottomon to see if I can help her find whatever she's looking for. I run my fingers between the couchy layers and encounter a disgusting slimey geko corpse. Lucy snaps it up in her mouth as I stand there screaming. Sandy is called upon to extract geko from Lucy's mouth and properly dispose of it.

But here is the part that makes me mad. I'm mad at Lucy for making me (expecting me almost) to touch the geko. But even more so, Im mad at her for not letting me be mad at her. She keeps trying to make giant aname eyes at me that say "I'm soooo sorry! I'm so sorry. Love me again please. Please love me!" I refuse to make eyecontact with ms. giant eyes and this throws her into desperation overdrive. She then begins pleading with Sandy with her giant eye innocent stares to which all he can do is beg me to forgive her.

That is fucked up.

blogging

kinda sucks to come back from vacay and discover that one blogee, who shall remain nameless (secret: said blogee has been excomunicated by the blurch (no pretzel)), has abandoned said blog. Such refusals to contribute one's most intimate feelings and thoutghts whilst said shnazzlestar vacations abroad is unacceptable. Detailed legal proceedings,corpral punishments, and appropriately calculated alimony payments shall be detailed via seperate bloggery.

lucy blog

p and shnazzlestar conclude (miraculously on the same day) that beautiful lucy dog needs a pet chicken. I must work towards this goal because I love my dog. And she needs a chicken.

3rd party enemieship

The best thing 'bout personal hatered of another is that all it takes is a single mutual enemy to make you work together. And thats a beautiful thing.

sandy says

how much fun are we gonna have?? how much fun are we gonna have?? how. much fun. are we gonna. have.?

dear blog, (RE: 1 yr anniversary)

I feel like I've known you a while. I feel like we can call each other friends, companions, as it were (favorite phrase).

Long story short (favorite phrase), I think it is time to have our 1 year anniversary. I love one year anniversaries.

p thinks

that mr. glitters gets too much love in blog.

p thinks that lucy feels neglected and needs more shout outs.

haterade

totally want to smack bitches talking about their awesome vacations that simultaneously refuse to bring me back unpasturized cheeses and truffles.

better than teeth?

monsturd

Serial killer Jack Schmidt (Brad Dosland) is a fugitive who has the police and FBI hot on his trail. After being cornered and wounded by law enforcement authorities, he falls into a sewage tunnel where the chemical company Dutech has also been dumping its toxic waste. The poisonous mixture of feces and chemicals mysteriously transforms Jack into a part-human, part-feces monster who sets out on a deadly rampage.

betsy says:

do repulicans call it an "obama-nation"?

oh... wait... do they already DO that?

dear blog, please kill me

if you ever hear me think incredulously to myself "how many cuffed jeans do I have??" again. I won't deserve to live.

please take advantage

sleep on the bed dogs, sleep away.

how do you know so well what drunk me means for you?

also

im not a sex addict 'cordin to the web.

dear mr. glitters

just cuz im drunk and feeding you at 11pm doesnt mean you need to act like u aint hungry cuz i ajint dfeedin u at 730.

big top cupcake

isn't a giant cupcake just a cake?

office observation

john = eeyore.

keep your tail on.

instructions.

1. go to paris
2. visit the louve
3. make louve

new fave phrase

dik doosh

the universal symbol

(}{)

Vagina Dentada

Q: what do you NOT want a cornicopia of?

A: peanuts and zombies.

¡Mr.Glitters!

who knew ¡mrglitters! had a myspace page. And why does it look almost exactly like I imagine MY mr. glitters's myspace page to look? Full of hairy potter, gender issues, and friends leaving sexi comments... Mr. g loves him some magenta pashmina, lobster bib, humping (mostly air humping)... how have I kept him from hairy p. all these years?

i likes my man

and i wants some roman helmet and salutes

Secret Burgers

Because everyone loves a secret.

is it worth blogging

if Im boring?

maybe.

fact (weak fact)

antidepressants cure my mild "run of the mill" neurosis. It weakens my ability to blog. Which reminds me.... I need to get PooAssBerg's anti-seizure medication refilled. Correction: anti-wiggle medication.

See what I mean?

dear office bacon

you are making me delirious. please stop.

hearts & farts-
p.

Ranger Surplus

p: do you have navy sailor hats in stock?

rs: do you mean the little white circular hats that sailors wear?

p: ...... yes ........

obama h8

dude. Get your fat airforce 1 ass off the runway you dumb fuck. Let the little people fucking fly.

nerdlinger

man on subway.
he wears pleated tapered khaki's,
reads his kindle
and practice his riffs on the safety pole.

FACT.

p.boy eats retard burgers for breakfast.

dogs & goddesses

it's a book and it explains so much about a certain hibernophile coworker.

pookie via email

p: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mexican_Riviera

gayC: that's not pretty.

p: enseneda is super close to tijuana. it's gross. i bet she's going there ... or maybe acapulco. it would still be spring break time. she could definitely bone some college frat boys. they'd totally do her in the butt. maybe she'll be on girls gone wild.

gayC: ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… i didn’t even think about the spring break aspect. YUCKY. she’ll get up her butt alright… along with one in each ear.

pookie via text

gayC: pookie sent out her invitation for her mexican riviera birthday which is MY birthday week.

p: 2010=30 bday week or actual bday week? she doesn't have a job... how the hell is she gonna pay for a vacation to the mexican riviera? what the hell does mexican riviera even mean?

gayC: i think she is making up words to make it sound more attractive... and making everyone pay for her trip. it's actual bday week.

p: can you imagine spending a week in a 3rd world country with that crazy? i bet she is actually going to tijuana.

gayC: it's a medicated trip... she'll sleep the entire time while an ugly houseboy does it up her butt.

p: i love you because you are mean.

secretly viewed convo

between sandy and cable person chatting online. it looks alot like chat sex to me....

dean: you are near the box, right?
sandy: no, but i can be
dean: i see
dean: thank you for that

woman and children

open your windows and doors

FREE cold air for everyone!!

devastating news

pringles are NOT a potato chip.

root beer floats & pickles

not just for preggos anymore

sage advice

don't pet a toucan. it'll bite your finger off.

omgomgomgomg

i get to buy my first mustache comb this weekend!!!!!

new fave insult

Turd mule

As in Lucy and Mr. Glitters are nothing but turd mules.

medication

is heavenly. my desire for amazing outifits and re-donk shoes has returned.

wants & needs

if i opened a vietnamese deli in brooklyn, i'd call it: pho get about it.

p's sweet crib

i live in a house of meat treats.

Dear world,

My outfit was super cute today... so Fuck you. And yes, I'm watching Honey.

how DARE YOU! Jessica Alba is an AMAZING actress.

Ummmm...

no.

career aspirations

To wandered the streets of Barcelona in a cocktail gown and a skipper's hat, looking wistful and eating gummi bears.

favorite part of the day

In regards to gay marriage becoming legalized in D.C. caller on NPR doesn't understand all the hullabaloo around gay marriage.

He says:
since gays can't procreate, they will all be wiped out after a generation.

P.boy's response to caller on NPR:

Woah - that dude is soooooo right! I've never though about it this way.

I can't wait till it all 'blows' over.

sandy says

Look at mr. Glitters. he looks so regal. he should be wearing a lobster bib.

my pet gay

brought MPG to my friend's bday party.

MPG ended up making out w/ the bday girl's deaf boyfriend.

MPG can't stop brushing his teeth.

situational ecstacy

Seen: Miami

At a stoplight: T-boned Geek Squad (the biggest GS truck ever seen) flipped over on the side with shit busting out all over.

situation: sparkley amazement

situation lacking

Seen: Miami

At a stoplight with green right turn arrow on and crosswalk signal on 'stop'

Old lady on bicycle enters crosswalk at .03 mph

Car engages in turn at aprox .05 mph

slowly. slowly.

Car and bicycle collide. Car driver egresses vehicle (slowly) and pulls old lady off the ground by elbow. Other traffic drives around. An hour later, old lady is seen bicycling further down the road.

Situation: lacking

situational completness

Seen: Miami

Late 90's corvette (blue) top down

driver: beponytailed, backwards hatted, late 90's goateed, level 6 pretzle-brown tan, steroid-pullback-like muscle loss, 50-55 yr old male, animatedly conversing with passenger

passenger: late 90's pageant compeditor (brunette)

situation: complete

p. boy sayz

i'm not surprised the lesbians keep hitting on you... you look pretty lesbianish.

I MEAN HOT! YOU LOOK HOT!

Notable Quoteables #2

Them bitches need to put the dick down, and pick up some taste.

metro conversation #2

premise: old woman talking to a mother about her kindergartener.

mother turns to son and tells him not to do something that day after looking at a chart in a composition book.

old woman: what's that?

mother: it's like a report card they send home everyday. he got bad marks for kissing a little girl.

metro conversation #1

premise: 2 octogenarians sitting on the bus discussing their housemate moving in with her boyfriend.

octogenarian #1 (in russian accent): she's 85 years old! i don't know why she needs a boyfriend... i don't need a man.

octogenarian #2: well some people just like companionship.

octo #1: i was married for 49 years and do not want any other companionship. stan was the man for me. i could could get fat and he wouldn't care. i could do no wrong in his eyes.

octo #2: ooh! and i bet you were feisty!

octo #1: how come you never got married?

octo #2: i was born during the women's rights movement. my mom was a housewife and i never had a model for a woman working and having a family. my dad did not want me to be a housewife like my mom.

end scene.

SURPRISE!

it's a cracker barrel newsletter!

lucky you!

obligatory friendship

love = streaming npr

hate = constant rebuffering.

dear vice deputy director of depression,

I decided to seek medication to cope with my generalized what seems to only be describable as a "hate of a life of work and circumstance". Part of this condition includes malaise and a pointed negativity towards all things good or evil. this includes things I would normally consider funny or ironic.

Anyway, as you may know, I submitted my paperwork for processing to your team of well-educated professionals on life. I registered for your services, as it were.

The thing is, you seem to be a raging assholaholic. Perhaps this is because last week I attempted to avoid your services by seeking professional help, to no avail, as no psychiatrists in Miami appear to be accepting new patients.

Bottom line: I dont think it's funny (partly due to symptoms described above) that my therapist (who describes me as a non-emergency (see previous blog)) recommends her very own psychiatrist to me, much as I would not want to use her gyno.

Your services are shit. I hate you.

dear sandy

thank you for the exuberant military salute from above

wilst I was in your roman helmet

thanks obama

for the Teddy shout out!!!! WOOT!

mr. glitters v.s. suze orman

s: hello boyfriend, tell me what you want!

g: i wanna eat 50 oreo cookies!!!!

s: DENIED

g: i wanna eat all marissa's shoes

s: DENIED

g: ok ok ok. i want to snuzzle alllll niiiiight long

s: boyfriend, you are APROVED!!!

mr. glitters v.s. suze orman

s: hello boyfriend, tell me what you want!

g: i wanna eat 50 oreo cookies!!!!

s: DENIED

g: i wanna eat all marissa's shoes

s: DENIED

g: ok ok ok. i want to snuzzle alllll niiiiight long

s: boyfriend, you are APROVED!!!

Notable Quoteables

"Baltimore is a precipice and you are falling off the edge."

"I was a junkie for 10 years... and have been clean since 1987. Now I just smoke crack."

-Patron at the Midway Bar (the only bar that is NOT a strip club on "The Block" in Baltimore.)

unrepentant

many cornichons & a tall frosty glass of sparkling water.

I smell

someone who needs BLURCH. Sometimes isolation with private thoughts vs. posted thoughts is what's best. Suggest: 1 pretzel, 1 bev, and alone time.

I WIN!

Shnazaellstar is once again baffled by p's unwavering logic and reasoning abilities.

BLURCH

has rescheduled itself to Friday nights. Communion will begin at 2AM. Host will be pretzels.

"Everyone wants a pretzel and everyone gets a pretzel." Book of Sandy quote 6.

BLURCH

has rescheduled itself to Friday nights. Communion will begin at 2AM. Host will be pretzels.

"Everyone wants a pretzel and everyone gets a pretzel." Book of Sandy quote 6.

gayc wishes

blog was called "the adventures of teddy"

thoughts on blurch

p. wishes blurch was on saturdays instead of sunday.

sandy says

he would wear fancy clothes to my BLURCH

BLURCH

I think it's time. Time to be alone. Time to spend time alone. Time to find god.

Not jesus god per say. Not Allah..... no buddah...

But you and me God. A church of everyday god things. Much like you, blog, who capture my private moments and transform my intimate thoughts into constructive projections for all to embrace.

BLURCH will meet on sundays. Comunion will consist of your own drink of choice and will be mandatory for members seeking redemption. Sermons will consist of fire and brimstone revelations as blogged through the week. Solitary contemplation will be one's salvation, as yelled at you on Sunday after drink.

100% love

next year's bday plans: check!

sandy said

at first i thought that girl was 14

then i saw her raggetty ass face... like she'd been smoking cigarettes since she was 4.... like she'd been ridden hard and put away wet.... like she'd had a rough life.... been through a lot... GOING through a lot........

ya'know?

dear tampa,

driving around you in a mitsubishi lancer

you get out of your truck at a stoplight to proposition a spanger for sex

you have a travel agency called E.T. travel

and you have the best ever vegan restaurant called grass roots

right next to the all night hair salon and man carrying a 40 in a plastic bag just hangn' out next to the extra long rape van with airconditioner welded into place over the exhaust pipe

i cant wait to enter your seven seas strip club

ooohhh.theanticipation

hearts & farts

Roadkill fest this weekend featuring such delights as:

Thumper Meets Bumper
Asleep at the Wheel Squeal
One Ton Wonton
Rigormortis Bear Stew
Tire Tread Tortillas
Deer on a Stick













Particularly excited for pole cat kabobs, deep fried moose balls & the Sixtie's Cafe Lounge & Game Room.









Excitement reaching fever pitch.

Inbreeding is not appropriate.

Nor is it funny.

However, if Mr. Glitters were to breed with a Mr. Glitters, the spawn would most likely have some sort of a 'lion's mane' mustache feature. And nubbly gummy teeth.

high goddess supreme

I learned today that I am one rank closer to becoming a veritable god. Expectations = low. Autoflush toilets will continue to flush whilst I pee.

haiku: fail

i chose truffling over pickling
since jess fucked everything up
by signing up for truffles early

word of the day

pooetry

def. a poem about poop.

"tommy"

He just gave me my 3rd can of pabst for free followed by screaming the following phrase to the table next to us:

I DO hang out with a lot of B list celebrities!

Secret confession: I'm not really sure thats bloggable. Shame.

evening tidbit on "tommy"

hideous miami plastic face:
My friend just got out of jail. He's coming tonight. He's not like a sex offender or anything.... we beat each other up sometimes tho....

So tommy, where's your boyfriend?

loud as fuck tommy shouts:

Oh he's with his girlfriend and baby tonight.

phrase of the evening

From Burgers N Beer waiter "tommy" and pronounced in a thick Brooklyn accent with a shoutey/screamy tone:

Drink up! Nobody wants a skinny santa!

I like it cuz it's shaming. Although I would like to modify the phrase to include the word 'asshole' after 'Drink up'. I would then end the chant with a scream of 'DICK'.

Love you blog! kissess!!!

word of the day

asshat

the cost of regrets

wiccan: minus 22

monster: minus 40

chowdah: diarrhea

notable quotables

DOOD. your boobs are huge...

they're like heads...

BABY heads.

regrets

not going to see the super wiccan.

not going to the monster museum.

eating too much clam chowdah.

does your mom like me?

she would like to spend more time with you.

does your mom like P?
possibly

does your mom like kc?
Yes.

Sandy also says

She laughed at me and then I beat her. It was very embarrassing.

I beat her brains out.

Sandy says

If I had a bar, I would serve pretzels.... but not until the bar closed at 2. Everyone would stay late to get one.

Everyone wants a pretzel and everyone gets one.

my therapist says

that I am not an "emergency". I am run of the mill neurosis".

How is that supposed to help my psyche?

I dont think

that you deserve any special attention just cuz you fell down the stairs.

why?

Dear blog,

Why am I at an airport bar drinking a $12 double bacardi light and diet coke at 10 AM on Wednesday?

hugznkiss

Dear Mr. Glitters RE: milk-breath kisses

Dear Mr. Glitters,
I know your milk-breath kisses are a sign of love and I know how much you like to share them... which is very sweet. But, I have recently observed your unique dietary and culunary preferences that seem apparent as the cause of your special-format scent.
I regret to infom that I choose to 'opt out', if you will, of said milk-breath affection. I will advise future changes via fomal correspondence.
Regards.

i want a chocolate keyboard

i could eat each key one at a time or i could type really fast n then lick my hot chocolate tipped fingers

also, i thin it is time to medicate myself (no text)

i LOVE saying "no text"..... so post-whatever.... so uber-everything..... so....

anyway. i will be seeking profesh opinions. medication sure to follow.

dear rio

are you there?

are you home?

are you ready?

i need u.....

now

cockney translation

mr. glitters would be

sister clitoris

which in turn would be shortened to clitty

fatty tag... you're it!

you can always tell an ex-fat by their pepperoni nips.

white wine & lettuce

no more 5 guys.

the small cheeseburger has 550 calories & 32 grams of fat.

sick.

my uterus is squirting

iheartguts.com
The uterus is nice. im wearing it to Harriett's for breakfast this morning.

the greatest question of all time

pasta
OR
sex

sandy says

"I like wood, birds, cars, my baby, pets, and snuzzling. can you put that on a shirt?"

sandy sings

"all my single ladies! all my single ladies!"

then sandy says

"remember when I was OBSESSED with that song?"

dear blog,

Why cant you be a ladycop.

Waiting for me to come home from work.

Wearing your sexy panties.

that is why i hate you

dear blog,

i hate you. you are inconvenient and dont seem interested in accomanying my in the fun things i do.

pelican brief

clamalot

mullet over

murphy's best dragon's nest

sea ya later

the doctor's inn

wall

meet face.

face meet wall.

No Whammies

James wins $15 but loses $7,000 in the short term.

it's obvious your boyfriend makes meth.

he sleeps with a gun under his pillow & has mrsa.

i cant do it

I can not go into work on saturday again.

most amazing thing ever

1. maxwell 2. maxwell conducting a sweet dance move which subsequently rips his pants 3. maxwell moving to stage left to put new pants on 4. maxwell ending his show by saying "and when you wake up in the morning i'ma still be inside you"

love

miamians declaring that jamaicans love certain hairstyles

phrase of curiosity

toes hanging from the rafters (what could it mean?)

1:00 fridays

purple with a porpoise

love

Hate

I might just be

a subsidized outlier

random business idea

northwest prosthetics
brain:sandymarissa ceo:mattinger

things I hate based on my Seattle trip

Hates
love
groups that increase comfort amongst members due to their own groupiness
sugary butter
big d
the fleeting nature of happiness
stagnating time
mini-planes (flying under large planes and riding in them)
predictable attitudes and assumptions
certain words (can not write)
overnoticed anythings
non-whores
meeting friends' freinds
"making" friends
artificial marraiges
plantings diggings
surprises (also under loves)

things I love based on my Seattle trip

kitchen-dick road
furs on animals and people
collections (belly button lint, bones)
long portions of comb overs especially front to backs
blue see-through water
totem animals that have unattainable desires (i.e. fish wants to hike to mountain peak)
any unreachable dream
small baby animals that like bones
oversized people complaining about heat (related to: elephants in rooms)
uncomfortableness
headbutting boobs
butt sex in fargo
friends that plan things
horrible hangovers related to aging badly

Tragic (tear induction things)

thrown worms
death of a parrot (as published in newspaper)
story corps
link attempts (general technology ambiance)
unnoticed anythings

More subtle quandry

commentators on life (presidential advisers etc)
vs (major battle) full strenth lifelivers (multiple unlazy non-academia life experiences)

what does one listen to? which one knows better? who should run the world?

word and phrase

Less than obvious
craters