metro conversation #2

premise: old woman talking to a mother about her kindergartener.

mother turns to son and tells him not to do something that day after looking at a chart in a composition book.

old woman: what's that?

mother: it's like a report card they send home everyday. he got bad marks for kissing a little girl.

metro conversation #1

premise: 2 octogenarians sitting on the bus discussing their housemate moving in with her boyfriend.

octogenarian #1 (in russian accent): she's 85 years old! i don't know why she needs a boyfriend... i don't need a man.

octogenarian #2: well some people just like companionship.

octo #1: i was married for 49 years and do not want any other companionship. stan was the man for me. i could could get fat and he wouldn't care. i could do no wrong in his eyes.

octo #2: ooh! and i bet you were feisty!

octo #1: how come you never got married?

octo #2: i was born during the women's rights movement. my mom was a housewife and i never had a model for a woman working and having a family. my dad did not want me to be a housewife like my mom.

end scene.

SURPRISE!

it's a cracker barrel newsletter!

lucky you!

obligatory friendship

love = streaming npr

hate = constant rebuffering.

dear vice deputy director of depression,

I decided to seek medication to cope with my generalized what seems to only be describable as a "hate of a life of work and circumstance". Part of this condition includes malaise and a pointed negativity towards all things good or evil. this includes things I would normally consider funny or ironic.

Anyway, as you may know, I submitted my paperwork for processing to your team of well-educated professionals on life. I registered for your services, as it were.

The thing is, you seem to be a raging assholaholic. Perhaps this is because last week I attempted to avoid your services by seeking professional help, to no avail, as no psychiatrists in Miami appear to be accepting new patients.

Bottom line: I dont think it's funny (partly due to symptoms described above) that my therapist (who describes me as a non-emergency (see previous blog)) recommends her very own psychiatrist to me, much as I would not want to use her gyno.

Your services are shit. I hate you.

dear sandy

thank you for the exuberant military salute from above

wilst I was in your roman helmet

thanks obama

for the Teddy shout out!!!! WOOT!

mr. glitters v.s. suze orman

s: hello boyfriend, tell me what you want!

g: i wanna eat 50 oreo cookies!!!!

s: DENIED

g: i wanna eat all marissa's shoes

s: DENIED

g: ok ok ok. i want to snuzzle alllll niiiiight long

s: boyfriend, you are APROVED!!!

mr. glitters v.s. suze orman

s: hello boyfriend, tell me what you want!

g: i wanna eat 50 oreo cookies!!!!

s: DENIED

g: i wanna eat all marissa's shoes

s: DENIED

g: ok ok ok. i want to snuzzle alllll niiiiight long

s: boyfriend, you are APROVED!!!

Notable Quoteables

"Baltimore is a precipice and you are falling off the edge."

"I was a junkie for 10 years... and have been clean since 1987. Now I just smoke crack."

-Patron at the Midway Bar (the only bar that is NOT a strip club on "The Block" in Baltimore.)

unrepentant

many cornichons & a tall frosty glass of sparkling water.

I smell

someone who needs BLURCH. Sometimes isolation with private thoughts vs. posted thoughts is what's best. Suggest: 1 pretzel, 1 bev, and alone time.

I WIN!

Shnazaellstar is once again baffled by p's unwavering logic and reasoning abilities.

BLURCH

has rescheduled itself to Friday nights. Communion will begin at 2AM. Host will be pretzels.

"Everyone wants a pretzel and everyone gets a pretzel." Book of Sandy quote 6.

BLURCH

has rescheduled itself to Friday nights. Communion will begin at 2AM. Host will be pretzels.

"Everyone wants a pretzel and everyone gets a pretzel." Book of Sandy quote 6.

gayc wishes

blog was called "the adventures of teddy"

thoughts on blurch

p. wishes blurch was on saturdays instead of sunday.

sandy says

he would wear fancy clothes to my BLURCH

BLURCH

I think it's time. Time to be alone. Time to spend time alone. Time to find god.

Not jesus god per say. Not Allah..... no buddah...

But you and me God. A church of everyday god things. Much like you, blog, who capture my private moments and transform my intimate thoughts into constructive projections for all to embrace.

BLURCH will meet on sundays. Comunion will consist of your own drink of choice and will be mandatory for members seeking redemption. Sermons will consist of fire and brimstone revelations as blogged through the week. Solitary contemplation will be one's salvation, as yelled at you on Sunday after drink.

100% love

next year's bday plans: check!

sandy said

at first i thought that girl was 14

then i saw her raggetty ass face... like she'd been smoking cigarettes since she was 4.... like she'd been ridden hard and put away wet.... like she'd had a rough life.... been through a lot... GOING through a lot........

ya'know?

dear tampa,

driving around you in a mitsubishi lancer

you get out of your truck at a stoplight to proposition a spanger for sex

you have a travel agency called E.T. travel

and you have the best ever vegan restaurant called grass roots

right next to the all night hair salon and man carrying a 40 in a plastic bag just hangn' out next to the extra long rape van with airconditioner welded into place over the exhaust pipe

i cant wait to enter your seven seas strip club

ooohhh.theanticipation

hearts & farts

Roadkill fest this weekend featuring such delights as:

Thumper Meets Bumper
Asleep at the Wheel Squeal
One Ton Wonton
Rigormortis Bear Stew
Tire Tread Tortillas
Deer on a Stick













Particularly excited for pole cat kabobs, deep fried moose balls & the Sixtie's Cafe Lounge & Game Room.









Excitement reaching fever pitch.

Inbreeding is not appropriate.

Nor is it funny.

However, if Mr. Glitters were to breed with a Mr. Glitters, the spawn would most likely have some sort of a 'lion's mane' mustache feature. And nubbly gummy teeth.

high goddess supreme

I learned today that I am one rank closer to becoming a veritable god. Expectations = low. Autoflush toilets will continue to flush whilst I pee.

haiku: fail

i chose truffling over pickling
since jess fucked everything up
by signing up for truffles early

word of the day

pooetry

def. a poem about poop.

"tommy"

He just gave me my 3rd can of pabst for free followed by screaming the following phrase to the table next to us:

I DO hang out with a lot of B list celebrities!

Secret confession: I'm not really sure thats bloggable. Shame.

evening tidbit on "tommy"

hideous miami plastic face:
My friend just got out of jail. He's coming tonight. He's not like a sex offender or anything.... we beat each other up sometimes tho....

So tommy, where's your boyfriend?

loud as fuck tommy shouts:

Oh he's with his girlfriend and baby tonight.

phrase of the evening

From Burgers N Beer waiter "tommy" and pronounced in a thick Brooklyn accent with a shoutey/screamy tone:

Drink up! Nobody wants a skinny santa!

I like it cuz it's shaming. Although I would like to modify the phrase to include the word 'asshole' after 'Drink up'. I would then end the chant with a scream of 'DICK'.

Love you blog! kissess!!!

word of the day

asshat

the cost of regrets

wiccan: minus 22

monster: minus 40

chowdah: diarrhea

notable quotables

DOOD. your boobs are huge...

they're like heads...

BABY heads.

regrets

not going to see the super wiccan.

not going to the monster museum.

eating too much clam chowdah.

does your mom like me?

she would like to spend more time with you.

does your mom like P?
possibly

does your mom like kc?
Yes.

Sandy also says

She laughed at me and then I beat her. It was very embarrassing.

I beat her brains out.

Sandy says

If I had a bar, I would serve pretzels.... but not until the bar closed at 2. Everyone would stay late to get one.

Everyone wants a pretzel and everyone gets one.

my therapist says

that I am not an "emergency". I am run of the mill neurosis".

How is that supposed to help my psyche?

I dont think

that you deserve any special attention just cuz you fell down the stairs.

why?

Dear blog,

Why am I at an airport bar drinking a $12 double bacardi light and diet coke at 10 AM on Wednesday?

hugznkiss

Dear Mr. Glitters RE: milk-breath kisses

Dear Mr. Glitters,
I know your milk-breath kisses are a sign of love and I know how much you like to share them... which is very sweet. But, I have recently observed your unique dietary and culunary preferences that seem apparent as the cause of your special-format scent.
I regret to infom that I choose to 'opt out', if you will, of said milk-breath affection. I will advise future changes via fomal correspondence.
Regards.

i want a chocolate keyboard

i could eat each key one at a time or i could type really fast n then lick my hot chocolate tipped fingers

also, i thin it is time to medicate myself (no text)

i LOVE saying "no text"..... so post-whatever.... so uber-everything..... so....

anyway. i will be seeking profesh opinions. medication sure to follow.

dear rio

are you there?

are you home?

are you ready?

i need u.....

now